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[03 Jan 2012|11:35pm]
my life rulez

[10 Oct 2011|03:23pm]
Oh god, here we go again. That feeling you get when you wake up the next morning after a heavy night of drinking..kind of a "oh god what have I done?" feeling. I was tossing back shots of brandy faster than an old man with a mustache. I guess I got some demons inside me too, cuz boy did they come to surface pretty quick. Despite the groggy feeling of helplessness, I somehow avoided a hangover and instead am suffering of pure shame and the loss of the van keys. In order to try and teach myself a lesson, I walked home from BART in the rain. I don't think it worked. But, somewhere during the walk home I had a moment of clarity and realized there's some actions i need to take seriously in order to keep my mind body and spirit healthy. I've been living a double life and today I realized the harder thing to do is usually the right thing to do. That's one of those weird sucky things about life that we all have to deal with from time to time.

ALSO there is a small mouse trapped in my room and i think he's scared and im creeped out by him and he wont leave.
2 // comment

[17 Aug 2011|12:12pm]
Life is cool, life is good. This summer has literally been the best summer I can remember. It was just one long, victorious vacation full of themed parties, road trips, house shows and romance! I've been doing great with my food/exercise plan too. I have to lose 15 more pounds, then i'll be at my goal weight--pretty stoked about that. Sometimes Hannah will go jogging with me, it's nice.

When school starts, so does my new internship at Valley High. Im gunna teach the Adobe Suite program to Valley students, it should be interesting, and i'm gunna be paid for doin it! If all goes as planned, I will only have tues/thurs school schedule at SFSU, that's gunna rule and also leave me some free time 2 party. ALSO there is a high chance I will be moving back to San Francisco in January--t'would be xmas miracle. Im getting a new bike tomorrow, too! It's a sweet road bike, it's maroon, and i'm gunna ride it everywhere forever! I gave my old bike to my mom. Anyway, I never wanna summer to end!! Except i am pretty stoked for October because Lexi is coming to town and I miss her very much.

Love always,

Shawna E

[01 Jul 2011|09:04am]
About to party HARD in Las Vegas...Be back in a week! Gunna take a million pictures. Gunna have so much fun.

Love always,


[25 Jun 2011|01:21pm]
Well, I got my wisdom teeth taken out finally. It was crazy I got very swollen on one side and I was bed ridden for like almost a week. They doped me up real good, too. I was on morphine. Now im probably addicted. Yeah, im a morphine junkie for sure by now. But anyway, I think im gunna be okay. Almost back to my old self. I was supposed to refrain from exercise for 2 weeks, but im gunna go on my run today for the first time in over a week. I hope I still got it! Im gunna sweat my balls off in this heat too. I think i'll listen to The Black Keys.

As far as losing weight goes, im down 27 pounds. So i'm doin okay. I'd like to lose 23 more, so I should be meeting my goal by the end of August (if I can make my goal of 2 lbs a week on average). It's weird but im pretty sure I can do it. I've been eating so healthy for so long, it's crazy how much it matters what you put into your body. I love eating fresh, raw vegetables and lean meats and lowfat snacks. It's like, one of the best things I could have done for myself. For 4 months I didn't drink any booze either, but now I'll have a glass of wine here or there. But nothing compared to what I used to do. I'm all about self improvement these days, everybody needs improvement.

My love life, well it's been nonexistent. I've been out with a few guys very casually, but I think the truth of the matter is that im just not ready to date anybody. I pretty much just compare everyone to what Dave used to be, and nobody matches up. In fact, most dudes suck! Everyone is so boring and unmotivated. I feel like I might end up turning lesbian, or maybe just stay asexual and celibate. Right now im 100% the latter and im okay with it. I still kinda feel like i'm just lookin' for a cowboy.

Family life has been crazy. With all the England kids living at home, it's been like a sitcom from hell. Well, it hasnt been that bad. But when you get my brothers together--they totally wreck shop and feed off of each other. I love the guys, I do. My dad has been fixing up the house for most of the summer, and thanks to my help and my brothers help, we now have hardwood floors all throughout our house including in the stairwell. It was a big job, but it looks great. We painted the walls too. My mom is doing good too, i've really bonded with her since I've been back home and we're closer than we've ever been!

Looking into the future, well the rest of this summer is going to be amazing. I have some pretty great plans. When July starts, me zack my mom and Poppy are road tripping to Las Vegas for a family reunion. That's gunna be so funny, because I have like 10 cousins I've never met before who are total hillbillies. Can't wait to party in Vegas with them...Then after we get back, im going to spend a week in Mammoth. Beautiful water falls, awesome hiking trails. It's gunna be spiritual. And then to end summer, Me Mollie Ashley and Josh are gunna drive to Portland and stay with little Gary Bonetti for 5 days (who I miss dearly and often). So far this has been a great summer, and I have high hopes for the rest of it. Its been about self improvement, family and health for me. I love having this time to focus on myself and try to reconnect with and develop the person I am.

Love always,

Shawna E
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[01 Jun 2011|08:30pm]

[27 May 2011|01:25pm]
I'm getting ready to head out to the airport and pick up lexi! I'm so excited. This weekend is going to rule. Tonight we will have a girls night in, we're gunna make shrimp and veggie stir fry, make a low fat banana cream pie for the BBQ tomorrow, go grocery shopping and then watch Roseanne/ Twilight Zone and smoke cigarettes all night and talk about life.



[25 May 2011|01:04pm]
I just went jogging in the rain listening to LCD Soundsystem; the "This is Happening" album. It was a religious experience. I'm still trippin off it!

My dad got me an ipod nano for my birthday! Im so thrilled, i've been uploading new music all day and puttin on this bad boy. My life will change dramatically! I haven't had an ipod in my life since freshman year of college.

I'm so grateful for my family and my buddies, everyone was so nice to my yesterday and treated me like a queen. Sweet let me stay the night at her place Monday night, and we went cruisin' and played board games and watched movies. Good ol' fashioned ladies night in, i loved it. Tatiana made a "hookah lounge" out of her house, Ashley made me an angel food cake (lowfat) with fresh berries, and Mollie spent the whole day with me and put up with my family of freaques. So grateful/so thankful/so blessed.

Love always,

Shawna E
1 // comment

[23 May 2011|11:11am]
Breakfast, black coffee, one slice of dry toast
No butter, no jelly, no jam
Lunch, just some lettuce, two celery stalks
No booze, no potatoes, no ham.

Dinner, one chicken wing, broiled not fried
No gravy, no biscuits, no pie
And this dietin', dietin', dietin', dietin'
Sure is a rough way to die.

So pass me a carrot stick, peel me a prune
A glass of skim milk and that's all
Turn off the TV for the Big Mac commercial
It's drivin' me right up the wall.

And I'm thinkin' of french fries, sausage and waffles
Spaghetti and cookies and cake
And each night I'm dreamin' of chocolate ice cream.
And I'm starvin' to death when I wake.

But...i've lost 20 pounds and counting! And I have more energy than ever and i'm feeling real good about myself. I'm also big into country music lately, so I don't know exactly who I've become, but i'm okay with it. Everything is gunna be okay!

Love always,

7 // comment

[22 Mar 2011|04:13pm]
Well, today I went to get x-rays that confirmed I was indeed breast cancer FREE. Clean slate, checkin' that one off my worry list. Too bad it had to be a hot dude that checked it out though. So embarrassing to sit there, TITS OUT, in front of young, hot dude doctor. I did NOT sign up for that. It was almost like a bad first date! Not really...

I've been playing a lot of guitar lately, trying to get semi-good at crankin' out sweet guitar solos to simple songs. That's what The Dads is all about, ya know. And good rhythmic chants that are fun to sing along with. I love it, it's so much fun. It's about rock n roll. It's about friendship. And it's about not giving a fuck what people think. Which is incredibly hard to do, being a human being and all. We've started a small cult following (and by small i'm talkin 2maybe 3 people tops), with a target crowd of people who are blacked out.

I met with an adviser about school, and turns out i'm actually doing okay and I will be graduating college with a bachelor of science in Visual Communications in Fall 2012. I can totally get into that. I'm about ready to be a grown ass woman on a grown ass career search. Now that I can take this time to focus on school, and only school, I think I can actually do this thing AND DO IT WELL. Gunna throw together a professional portfolio and get this thing moving.

So, actually I've checked a few things off my worry list; but i'm still torn up about the Dave situation. I miss him, but I know it's for the best that we are apart. I just worry about him sometimes, and i'm always thinking about my role in the relationship-- what could I have done differently in order to make love stay? I expect to learn from this, and keep working on my everlasting quest to figure out how to love. Lord knows i'm just trying to be the best human being I can be.


5 // comment

[27 Feb 2011|10:50am]

[19 Jan 2011|09:56am]
Lots of life changes in the last month. I decided to move out of my apartment with Dave. I still love him, but he (and I both) are nowhere near able to be financially responsible for ourselves. There's so many experiences I need to have and growing I need to do before I can ever move back in with him, and he needs the same thing. It took a lot of breaking points and self discovery to learn that it was time for me to move out. And I gotta say in times like these your true pals really show their faces and do the best they can to help. I really do think I'd be dead without my friends. I got a great set of pals, that's all i'm trying to say.

In the mean time, I'm still madly in love with the man and he's still madly in love with me. It gets hard sometimes, being apart from each other more often. But I keep telling myself if we can make it through this alive, then we'll be able to make it through anything together. He's getting himself a studio that is closer to his school and he's also getting a puppy! So that will be cool when I go to stay at his place some nights.

In the mean time, I'm renting this really cool room in downtown Oakland. I just moved in, so it's not all set up yet. In a few weeks it will really feel like home. There's this huge window in my bedroom and it lets the light in perfectly and I can look at all these beautiful Victorian homes in the sunlight. So far all I have in here is my saxophone man poster and my leopard print rug. (and a blow up mattress to sleep on..). I'm going to pick up my bike and guitar today, that will be awesome. Oh, and there's a big ass pool, POOL PARTY IN THE SUMMER!!

Anyway, my world is changing and I'm doing my best to embrace it. Life is hard, and I guess this is growing up!


4 // comment

uh [09 Dec 2010|08:50pm]
I have work at midnight, and i've been trying to sleep for the last 4 hours but no cigar! Working from midnight to 7:30 am is b-r-u-t-a-l, but sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. I guess i'll just sleep for the first half of the day tomorrow. Anyway, I guess I dont really have anything to say. Overall, life is treatin' me pretty well.
I can't help it, I love the holiday season so much, I accidentally got Dave like 10 Christmas presents and i got everyone else like at least 3 gifts each. I dont know why, I just went hog wild this year and now im broke. I'm trying to come up with a Holiday Drink menu for the 3rd Annual Ugly Christmas Sweater Party. I'm trying to get some peppermint schnapps. This year is going to rule because The Dads are performing and some other bands too. Anyway, i'm gunna try to catch at least 2 hours of ZZZs before I gotta head out.

Love always,

1 // comment

[30 Nov 2010|02:35pm]
Thank god I can finally breathe again. I met with Dave and we came up with a plan. This is a really good plan--i'm talkin' top of the line fresh choice meat kinda plan. If we can stick to it, then there wont be anything to worry about anymore. It's hard when something is going so unsuccessfully in a relationship, but at the same time there is so much love in it too. It seems like even if there was a nuclear explosion that it couldn't keep us apart. He means so much to me, and I mean so much to him. There is a way to make it work, but we both gotta be willing to put a little fight into it. Even if it gets hard, at least we know in the end we are working towards the same goal, and that's at least reassuring. We are Shawna and Dave, and we gotta keep it together. That's my man. I'm his gal. And we're always gunna love each other even if we're pissed as hell. And that, I guess, is just part of growing up.
1 // comment

Day 5 [22 Nov 2010|11:43am]
This is day 5 of rolling around from house to house with nowhere in particular to end up. Thank god for my friends. I dont know where I will end up at the end of any given day, I guess that's just how it goes. I miss having a bed. I miss having my own bed. Sometimes even if you think everything is going to work out just fine, it all comes crashing down around you. It's hard to get to work and school this way, that's for sure. I'm really upset. I've been numb the past few days but now it's starting to kick in. The real feelings. I miss him so much, but I don't wanna see him, not even a little bit. I'm so god damn scared of him. But I love him so much, I just don't know if I can live with him anymore. I dont know how this is going to turn out. I dont even know if I can forgive him. I'm so scared and confused and hurt. I wanna wake up from this nightmare. I want everything to be okay. I want this gut feeling to be gone. I just want to be happy. I dont wanna feel like my brain is constantly being squeezed. I dont wanna keep pulling out my hair in complete and utter frustration. I dont wanna yell and scream and cry. I don't wanna keep trying my hardest just to find out I've gone and fucked everything up. I wanna be calm, I wanna relax. I wanna relax so bad. I can't live like that anymore. I'd rather surf couches for the rest of my life than go back to living like that.
1 // comment

[17 Nov 2010|12:06pm]
Saying "I hate" and "I didn't think the time was right," are sometimes the same or at least alike in action. I think you should say "this is what I want." Maybe Columbus went to far and Bloomington, well that's where we are,
but I'd like to think we would be relevant to each other again one of these days. I want you to be what all the printed cloth and papers proclaim! what all your favorite bands seem to explain.

Who would have thought that I'd end up here, that you'd end up here, but that this is where you and I should end? Though I think it should and know it's for the best,
I want you to know that you're still just as beautiful as the day we met.

And when we speak again, I can tell you how I still can't roll cigarettes, or how I showed up in Denver, once almost by accident, or how I learned of Diogenes' haunts of Rome in search of honest men.
And you'd tell me things I could never predict, of bikes or of the Baltic Sear or the woes of your last laments. Things I'd never expect ...

We write the songs of revolution, and we write the songs of the love. It's not always easy to sing along, and it's near impossible to sing twice as loud,
when your best friend quits singing along

[04 Nov 2010|08:28pm]

woah [28 Oct 2010|12:22am]
I am writing a paper right now that seems to be completely and 100% full of bullshit. But I guess that's what college is all about. I guess that's life is all about. I can appeal to anybody's needs just by bullshitting very well. I don't think it's a talent, I think it's a strain. And a blessing too, in a way.

Speaking of strain, I have been having extreme anxiety attacks lately. I went on a week long binge of staying in at night, riding my bike during the day and writing as many songs as a I can to minimize stress. It helped a little. It didn't change who I am, but it definitely helped. I'd like to truly go into seclusion and/or hibernation but it seems nearly impossible with work, school and friends I care about. Sometimes I wish I could ditch my laptop and cell phone without having to explain why. Part of me wants to accept that there will always be parts of my life I can't control, but another part of me wants to be in charge of every aspect of my life. I don't know whats right and I don't know what's wrong.

Every day I feel exhausted. When i'm not in work or school, I just wanna sleep. It sometimes feels like the people in my life are just mad at me all the time. I can't seem to live up to anybody's standards or expectations lately, and I just let everybody down. But it's not like i'm not trying my hardest, because I really am. It's starting to get to me. Maybe I need to stop caring what other people think so much, but that seems impossible. I love these people in my life.

It doesn't help anything knowing that I have absolutely no money and no way of organizing my thoughts and finances. The little income I have coming in goes directly to rent, and what I can save goes to food and the occasional night out. However, it seems like i'm constantly working, 4am shifts, midnight shifts, all day shifts, the works. I can't get a decent schedule and I can't get a decent paycheck.

I hate myself for complaining about anything. There are so many people who have it worse than me, but at the same time I keep finding all these things that are wrong and make me unhappy. Why can't I just be satisfied with what I have? Isn't anybody satisfied with what they have?

Anyway, I guess this is why I don't smoke pot...gotta finish my paper now.

Love always,
1 // comment

[08 Oct 2010|01:07pm]
I just deep cleaned my closet, but for real this time. I got these big organizer drawers and went through everything I owned. Feeling pretty good about that. I feel like I have more control over my life.

I also got into the biggest fight ever with Dave this week, we almost broke up. I felt he is too lazy and he felt I was too inconsiderate. After 2 days of not talking, we met up and there was a huge, but necessary blow up between the two of us. For once, Dave was the one yelling at me and this time I really listened. It sucks that it had to get to that point for me to really hear what he was saying to me, but he just was never so assertive before and I never took it seriously. I felt proud of him. And I guess proud of myself for having the balls to admit I was wrong and that I needed to reevaluate my priorities. I live my life like i'm a single woman, but I have a man who I love and respect so I gotta do a few things a little differently, while still being true to myself and who I am. Not that Dave was doing everything perfectly, he needed to reevaluate his priorities as well, but the main thing is that we wanted to do it together--as an equal team. I love him with all of my heart and I've never experienced a love like this before in my life. It's worth it, it's a lot of work, but it's worth it.


3 // comment

built to spill, baby! [30 Sep 2010|09:15pm]
you were wrong when you said everything's gunna be alright

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